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just got home from the birthday party my friends threw for me.

so there is this boy, david. david is the boy i have been in love with since four years ago. david is my best friend. david and i had this weird non-physical thing for a while a few months ago, and then he told me he was into my friend leez who is a female. so it was complicated, and fucked up, and incredibly heart-breaking. so i used it as inspiration to not eat and it worked incredibly well. my other best friend, ethan, is in love with me. tonight, david and ethan and leez (and her hot italian boyfriend) were all present at my birthday party. i got drunk, david ditched his visiting relatives to chill with me, we shared several extended, touchy-feely hugs, even though he is dating some junior with a glow-y tan. david was breathing on my neck heavily during these hugs. and about an hour after he left he called me and i missed the call. i wonder if he has developed feelings for me since i have lost so much weight.

anyway, i ended up hooking up with ethan and later this other beautiful black boy named tomasa and he apparently thinks i am an incredible kisser. am sooooo glad this is the case because i have wanted to hook up with him for so fucking long.

it's ironic this is all happening during my 3-day fast (which is going so goddamn well - have only had liquor, coffee, and freeze-pops). love feeling skinnier than usual. intend to lose tons more weight, because i am not hungry for anything except for david and fucking and lips tinted with alcohol.

love you all, stay thin, you are loved

-anais
so i just got home. it was a wonderful day, tons of coffee and a few freezepops. i drank some vodka but not enough to make me feel bloated, because i went to a electro-noise show and i danced for three hours which is enough to burn off any calories i've eaten today. feeling so hyped, so inspired.

hopefully the fast will last until the end of the third day. am currently tripping on 2ci, which is a designer drug and when i was dancing tonight i literally felt like the world around me was pulsing, like everyone and everything shared a beautifully planned heartbeat. it was wonderful to have that sort of connection. especially because the beautiful guitarist gave me his pick and i was strumming during the last set. SO cool.

anyway, love you all, stay thin, stay motivated. good night!

-anais
stats
cw: 130
gw: 100


eaten today
2 cups assorted dry veggies: approx 150 cals
6 cups coffee: 12 cals
3 ice pops: 45 cals

it was a really good day today, only 207 cals. i got really hungry a few minutes ago though and chewed and spit a piece of bread, even though i hate doing that because i know i'm completely wasting food, which is the same reason (well, one of the many reasons) that i hate purging.

anyway. only thirty pounds left to lose before my goal weight is reached. fuck it feels like every day takes years to get through. i just want to be thin. i am going to be fucking thin. i wonder that there has to be more important things than this but sometimes it just seems to be my main priority and it scares even me, why the fuck is it so necessary? but it is somehow.

today i saw a car accident. i watched the guy drive at least a hundred miles down a busy street because as it turned out he was having a heart attack, and didn't realize he was stepping on the gas pedal so much or something and he hit a bunch of cars at an intersection. i saw the collision and tons of envelopes flying up in the air when he hit the public blue mailbox and then the thick dark smoke of someone's engine exploding. little kids were on fire and babies were welded to their car seats and when they pulled the old guy from his car-slash-heap-of-burning-smoking-destroyed-metal he was all covered in blood and grayblack ash and he just looked dead. the most fucked up thing was that the only thing i could think about was all the people who would never get their letters.



off to have a cigarette before bed. good night, to whoever is reading this. sleep well.

stats - 6/18/08

so my e.d. blogging journey begins. can't wait to see what my stats are at the end of the summer. :)

stats

hw: 154
lw: 107
cw:131
gw: 100
height: 5'4"
bmi: 22.5

eaten today
- 1 cup dry fruit loops: 120 cals
- 4 cups coffee: 8 cals
- 1 apple: 110 cals
- 1 boca vegan burger: 70 cals (purged)

so all would have been 238 cals, luckily i purged the vegan burger. ugh. at least it wasn't an actual burger, i would have felt so much worse having thrown that up.

not bad for today. the coffee really helped boost my energy because i haven't been sleeping enough. still, must avoid danger foods like bread/pasta/chips/etc. because i would like to stop purging but it is difficult not to with those foods around. am off to go have a cigarette and then perhaps some exercise.

entry number one, 6/18/08.

hello.

my name is anais. i'm eighteen years old. and i have an eating disorder.

i don't know how you stumbled across this page, perhaps i friended you because you seemed like a friend, someone who would understand my intense struggle, my continuous quest to be thin. maybe i thought you would be able to encourage me, give me tips, share thinspiration, because i cannot always do it alone.

the first time i thought i was fat i was five years old and i was playing in the sprinklers with some neighborhood kids in the back yard. i was wearing shorts and a t-shirt tied into a knot in the front, pulled up so that my torso was exposed. i remember that for no reason at all i stopped running to squeeze the fat on my belly hesitantly between my fingers while the other kids kept running, kept laughing, oblivious, around me. i untied the knot so that the cloth would fall lower, and cover me up. all it took was a few seconds for me to question my body, to lose faith in it, to lose respect for it.

and i’ve never been able to get it back.

at 10 i purged for the first time and liked it, liked the acidic taste in the back of my mouth, the way my eyes watered and the way my stomach felt empty and hollow like the rest of me. since then i've meandered through bouts of bingeing/purging and fasts and my weight has fluctuated dramatically. now i am ready for the long-haul, the final salute, because i am sick of feeling weak. bulimia is too obvious, too physical, too real. i need to learn to love my hunger. i have no hope for recovery, at least not in the near future. i have had an e.d. for way too long to even consider it. and i rely on it because i don't know who i am without it, and i don't want to know. it’s not something you can fake or get over, it’s with you forever, whether you’re recovered or not, it will always be a part of you and no scalpel or pill or shrink can carve it out of you.

i want to starve. i want to be so thin my bones click and chafe together and i want to count each and every one of my ribs without stretching and i want there to be pure, empty space between my thighs and i want my hipbones to jut out, sharp like knives bruising my skin, and i want to be hungry, so hungry i am almost paralyzed by it, i want to feel that ache inside of every decaying cell, every weakening limb, in my heart and in my stomach and in my chest, always, forever, inside me, through my skin and muscles and organs, right down to the very bones.